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STD Infection Rate at UCSB Skyrockets to 1 in 3, Upsetting Long-Undisputed Champions SDSU
UC Santa Barbara’s Clayton Moorehouse celebrates his school’s come-from-behind victory in the battle for STD supremacy. - photo by Michael Swaim Michael Swaim
Staff Writer
The California Collegiate Advisory Board (CCAB) has announced that UC Santa Barbara has attained an on-campus STD infection rate of 1 in 3, a season record previously attained only by San Diego State. “What an upset!” exclaimed SDSU president Stephen L. Weber. “When it comes to sexually transmitted diseases, it was long assumed that none would rise to challenge SDSU as undisputed champion.”
Many students at both universities were shocked by the news. Said SDSU Senior Christina Alvarez, “I can’t believe they [UC Santa Barbara] robbed us of our title. I mean, I thought we were unbeatable. What skanks!” Alvarez is one of many SDSU students actively involved in the effort to keep STD rates as high as possible and has personally spread syphilis to more freshman than anyone since Rachel Welch, the MVP of the 1986-’87 season.
According to Michael Roth, SDSU Student Dean of Sexual Activity, “Keeping these kids infected is getting harder and harder to do.” Wrote Roth in a recent press release, “With new and more effective sexual education programs being instituted at colleges nation-wide, keeping our record intact year after year, decade after decade, has naturally become more of a challenge. However, I believe that our rate of infection here on campus remains a shining example of our commitment to the genital, anal and oral spread of STDs of all kinds.”
Roth’s counterpart at UCSB, Jonathan Randolph, responded to the CCAB’s announcement by organizing a large school dance to celebrate the campus’ achievement, replete with caged go-go dancers, an open bar, and a “pants optional” door policy. Amidst cheers and applause, Randolph addressed the student body with a triumphant speech: “Never before has my heart been filled with such pride,” he remarked, unabashedly scratching his groin area. “Whether they have the lowliest crab or the most devastating case of genital warts, every infected student is an important part of the team.”
Analysts were greatly surprised by UCSB’s come-from-behind victory, identifying a sixth-year communications major at UCSB, Clayton Moorehouse, as the key factor in the late-season surge in contraction. Moorehouse, though indirectly responsible for the spreading of hundreds of STD through his position as president of the campus’ most active fraternity, had never personally contracted an STD until early December.
Fittingly, Moorehouse’s case of gonorrhea was “the knockout punch in UCSB’s climb to dominance,” as he puts it. In an interview for Sports Illustrated, Moorehouse stated, “For so long I had known only peripherally the joy of ‘taking one for the team.’ But one Sunday morning, when I went to take my morning pee, I finally felt the sweet sting of success.” Moorehouse has received his school’s highest athletic honors for his achievements and is currently being aggressively courted by the graduate divisions of both Arizona State and Chico State.
Though in the height of celebration, UCSB is already planning ahead for next season. On Monday, Randolph’s office released their 19-point “plan of action,” designed to “widen our lead next season. After all, you can bet SDSU students are hard at work spreading STDs even as we speak.”
The school has also begun recruitment of promising high school seniors in anticipation of the tough season ahead. Randolph’s plan includes the systematic puncturing of condoms at the Student Health Office, the suspension of “quiet hours,” the firing of the on-campus police force, and prohibition of all “buzz-killers.” However, most of the work, he says, “rests on the shoulders, livers, and pelvises of our remarkable student body.”
UC Santa Barbara’s Clayton Moorehouse celebrates his school’s come-from-behind victory in the battle for STD supremacy. - photo by Michael Swaim Michael Swaim
Staff Writer
The California Collegiate Advisory Board (CCAB) has announced that UC Santa Barbara has attained an on-campus STD infection rate of 1 in 3, a season record previously attained only by San Diego State. “What an upset!” exclaimed SDSU president Stephen L. Weber. “When it comes to sexually transmitted diseases, it was long assumed that none would rise to challenge SDSU as undisputed champion.”
Many students at both universities were shocked by the news. Said SDSU Senior Christina Alvarez, “I can’t believe they [UC Santa Barbara] robbed us of our title. I mean, I thought we were unbeatable. What skanks!” Alvarez is one of many SDSU students actively involved in the effort to keep STD rates as high as possible and has personally spread syphilis to more freshman than anyone since Rachel Welch, the MVP of the 1986-’87 season.
According to Michael Roth, SDSU Student Dean of Sexual Activity, “Keeping these kids infected is getting harder and harder to do.” Wrote Roth in a recent press release, “With new and more effective sexual education programs being instituted at colleges nation-wide, keeping our record intact year after year, decade after decade, has naturally become more of a challenge. However, I believe that our rate of infection here on campus remains a shining example of our commitment to the genital, anal and oral spread of STDs of all kinds.”
Roth’s counterpart at UCSB, Jonathan Randolph, responded to the CCAB’s announcement by organizing a large school dance to celebrate the campus’ achievement, replete with caged go-go dancers, an open bar, and a “pants optional” door policy. Amidst cheers and applause, Randolph addressed the student body with a triumphant speech: “Never before has my heart been filled with such pride,” he remarked, unabashedly scratching his groin area. “Whether they have the lowliest crab or the most devastating case of genital warts, every infected student is an important part of the team.”
Analysts were greatly surprised by UCSB’s come-from-behind victory, identifying a sixth-year communications major at UCSB, Clayton Moorehouse, as the key factor in the late-season surge in contraction. Moorehouse, though indirectly responsible for the spreading of hundreds of STD through his position as president of the campus’ most active fraternity, had never personally contracted an STD until early December.
Fittingly, Moorehouse’s case of gonorrhea was “the knockout punch in UCSB’s climb to dominance,” as he puts it. In an interview for Sports Illustrated, Moorehouse stated, “For so long I had known only peripherally the joy of ‘taking one for the team.’ But one Sunday morning, when I went to take my morning pee, I finally felt the sweet sting of success.” Moorehouse has received his school’s highest athletic honors for his achievements and is currently being aggressively courted by the graduate divisions of both Arizona State and Chico State.
Though in the height of celebration, UCSB is already planning ahead for next season. On Monday, Randolph’s office released their 19-point “plan of action,” designed to “widen our lead next season. After all, you can bet SDSU students are hard at work spreading STDs even as we speak.”
The school has also begun recruitment of promising high school seniors in anticipation of the tough season ahead. Randolph’s plan includes the systematic puncturing of condoms at the Student Health Office, the suspension of “quiet hours,” the firing of the on-campus police force, and prohibition of all “buzz-killers.” However, most of the work, he says, “rests on the shoulders, livers, and pelvises of our remarkable student body.”